meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
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