Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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