I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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