I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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