You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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