I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
