3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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