i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
