Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
