dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
