i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
