Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
She said her name was "party"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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