Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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