my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
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You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
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I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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