The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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