please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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