Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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