I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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