tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
