i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
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