new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
