My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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