worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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