I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
