you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
