I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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