I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
