You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
