I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
