I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Randomize
