Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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