Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
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i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
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Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
COCAINE IS GR8
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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