he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
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