After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
