I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
pop tarts are not kleenex
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
