Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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