Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
