Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
