not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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