I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
