smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
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btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
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I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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