At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
