Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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