When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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