My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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