im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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