Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
