everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
