Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
