I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
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