I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
