New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
