I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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