my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
