Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
just tell him i said nine months
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
smell my finger.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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