She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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