just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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