I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
