awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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